#1 – The Horny Approach

Hey Juggo, my name is ______ “the Pants Hammer” ________. I caught your profile and I have to say, I want to evacuate my fluids all up ons what you’re sporting. Let me tell you a little bit about myself in case you’re not sure you want to ride me like a Segway down an escalator yet (yeah, bumpy and nauseating is the way I like it).

I’m between jobs so I have a lot of time to pursue my true passions which include dice games and sandwiches. I can punch my way out of all kinds of stuff because I’m so strong thanks to sandwiches. And if that’s what my fists can do, imagine what my pants hammer can do…to your pants crevasse.

I like funny movies and action movies and I am pretty buff even though I don’t need to work out, it’s my metabolism. I could eat like 5 pies and still do you. I will do that. You bake the pies! LOL!

Write back soon and send some pictures of your waffle

#2 – The Sophisticate Approach

Dearest One,

I was browsing through these profiles feeling nearly at my wit’s end that I should ever find anyone with even a spark of intellect or excitement, and then I stumbled upon your beauteous visage. My Pants Hammer immediately sprang to turgid attention as my eyes poured over your carefully chosen words, eager to consume the essence of you. Your words, so intriguing, so beguiling, held me tight, like my white-knuckled grip around my aforementioned pants hammer.

Surely we should find some time to correspond, exchange some words perhaps over a nice merlot, or some decadent truffles, and then we could retire to the voluptuary wherein you could mount my pants hammer and administer your sensual gyrations upon it whilst calling me “pussy boy.”

I hope this sounds alluring to you and I await your response with bated breath. Attached is a photo of my balls.

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# 3 – The Foreign Approach

Hey for sexing baby! i see your pics and I like in my sex area to want to do you so good you come to my countri im so rich I make you my wife and always sexy in your big boobs that so big for me baby. Love them how big is they? you want in my country i have house and beach so you can shake boob for me? i am rich and have so much boner in the pants hammer to give you!

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#4 – The Brevity Approach

I wud luv to fck you w/ my pants hammer!

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#5 – The Desperate Approach

Hi,

I just read your profile and you’re soooo beautiful! You’re like a goddess amongst mortals! I would love to even just exchange emails with someone as gorgeous as you! If you would write back to me I’d be the luckiest man alive!

I am in my mid 30’s, divorced, no kids and I have a fish named Lucas George (get it?). I’m bald with a goatee and I haven’t really dated much since my wife left me in 1996. I work in data processing but I like to unwind with some fun movies, model trains and fried baloney sandwiches. They’re so good, but I bet a refined lady like you is used to filet mignon and provolone cheese! I’ll cook you anything you want.

I know you probably would never want to even think about glancing at someone like me, but maybe if you want to get to know someone we could chat sometime. It would make pants hammer so very happy.

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(Source:  Holy Taco)